All Things Considered Read online

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  A thin seam of sunlight poured into the room from a crack between the draperies. Wishing to avoid the light, Judd rolled onto his side, taking the sheet with him. His mouth felt like the bottom of a toxic waste dump, and his head pounded. So much for the theory that good whiskey doesn’t cause hangovers. He sat up and rotated his head to work the stiffness from the muscles of his shoulders. He stopped suddenly when he noted that the double bed beside his own was empty. He was more surprised than alarmed, but hadn’t the time to ponder Lanni and Jenny’s absence before the little girl flew into the room.

  “Morning, Daddy,” she said, vaulting into his open arms.

  “Hello, sweetheart.” She smelled fresh and sweet, and he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close.

  “I didn’t think you were ever going to wake up. Mommy and me already had breakfast. I had pancakes with little yummy fruity things.”

  “Blueberries,” Lanni inserted, entering the room carrying a paper cup. “I hope she didn’t get you out of bed.”

  “No.” Judd couldn’t take his eyes from her. Today Lanni wore white shorts and a red striped T-shirt. Her blond hair was tied back at her neck with a bright ribbon the same ruby shade as the ones that held Jenny’s pigtails in place. Lanni looked about sixteen. A breathtaking sixteen. “She didn’t wake me.” He spoke only when he realized she was waiting for a response.

  Lanni handed him the cup of black coffee and walked over to the bed and started fumbling with her bags. Jenny climbed onto the mattress beside her and reached for her doll. “I…I didn’t know if I should get up,” Lanni said. “You said something about an early start yesterday afternoon and—”

  “What time is it?”

  “Nine-thirty.”

  That late! “If it happens again, wake me.”

  “All right.”

  Judd pried the plastic lid from the coffee cup and took the first sip. “Give me ten minutes and I’ll be ready.”

  “Fine. Jenny and I’ll wait for you by the lake.”

  “Lanni.” His voice stopped her. “Thanks.”

  Her nod was curt. Wordlessly, she left him and led Jenny down the pathway that went to the shore of Lake Coeur d’Alene. She didn’t know what had happened last night, but this morning everything was different. Judd hardly looked at her. In fact, he seemed to avoid doing so. That wasn’t like him. The faint scent in the room this morning had distracted her as well, and seemed to come from Judd. It took her a moment to identify it as the cloying fragrance of cheap cologne mingled with cigarette smoke.

  Lanni stopped, a sudden attack of nausea clenching her stomach so violently she thought she might be ill. Locating a park bench, she quickly sat down until the pain subsided. Jenny joined her and rhythmically swung her short legs while humming a sweet lullaby to Betsy.

  The first flash of pain faded, only to be replaced by a dull ache. Lanni knew. In an instant, she knew. Judd had left her last night and found another woman. She hadn’t heard him come in, but it must have been late for him to sleep until midmorning. Her lungs expanded with the need to breathe and she released a pain-filled sigh. The ink on their divorce papers wasn’t even dry and already he’d found his way to another woman.

  Lanni organized her thoughts, and her heavy heart gave way to anger and simmering resentment. She shouldn’t care; it shouldn’t hurt this much. The fact that it did only went to prove how far she had to go to reconcile herself to the loss of this man and their marriage.

  “The car’s packed.” Judd’s rich voice came from behind her.

  Instinctively, Lanni stiffened. She didn’t want to face him yet. She needed time to paint on a carefree façade until they could speak privately. The thought of riding beside him drained her already depleted strength, and she felt incredibly weak.

  “Lanni?”

  “I…heard. I was just admiring the view.”

  “Are you ready, Cupcake?” Judd asked, effortlessly lifting Jenny into his arms.

  “Do I get to see my grandpa soon?” the little girl asked eagerly.

  Already Lanni could see that traveling with her daughter today was going to be difficult. Jenny had slept restlessly, tossing and turning most of the night. Being cooped up in a car with her for another eight to ten hours would be torture for them all.

  “We won’t see Grandpa today,” Judd answered, “but we should sometime tomorrow.”

  “Betsy wants to see Grandpa, too.”

  “Betsy?”

  “My baby.” Jenny lifted the doll for him to see.

  “Right,” Judd murmured and shot a quick smile in Lanni’s direction, disregarding her sober look.

  She ignored his smile and rose to her feet. “I don’t imagine we’ll get far today after this late start.”

  “We should do fine,” Judd contradicted, eyeing her suspiciously. He didn’t know what was troubling her all of a sudden, and was mystified at the unexpected change in her mood. Only a few minutes earlier she’d brought him a fresh cup of coffee and greeted him with a warm smile. Now she sat as stiff as plywood, hardly looking at him. Apparently he’d committed some ill deed to have gained her disfavor. But he hadn’t an inkling of the terrible deed he’d done.

  The three walked silently to the car. Within ten minutes they were back on Interstate 90, heading east. The tension in the car was so thick Judd could taste it. Even Jenny seemed affected. They hadn’t gone fifteen miles before she started to whine. Judd left Lanni to deal with her. When that didn’t help, Judd invented a game and involved Jenny. Her interest in that lasted a total of five uneasy minutes. Lanni sang silly songs with her daughter, and that seemed to entertain her for a few minutes.

  It seemed they stopped every twenty miles. Jenny wanted something to drink, Jenny was hungry. Without questioning any of his daughter’s whims, Judd gave in to her. Discipline would have to come from Lanni, and again he was puzzled by his wife’s surly mood. Jenny wasn’t spoiled, and yet Lanni seemed to give in to the child’s every demand. It was a relief when Jenny finally fell asleep.

  Exhausted, Lanni sighed as she tucked a blanket in the side window to keep the sun from Jenny’s face. The little girl had worn herself out and was able to rest, but in the process, she’d drained Lanni of every ounce of patience. Feeling guilty, she realized Jenny’s ill temper was a reflection of her own unsettled mood. Although no cross words had been spoken, Jenny had known something was wrong between Lanni and Judd. Rather than argue with her daughter, Lanni had continually given in to her irrational demands.

  Settling into her own seat beside Judd, Lanni secured the seatbelt and leaned her head against the headrest, closing her eyes. She was a better mother than this. But she hadn’t the strength to discipline Jenny. Not now. Not when her emotions were churning so violently inside her. She’d attempted to hide what she suspected, wrapping the pain around herself, struggling to deal with it alone, but it hadn’t worked out that way. Jenny had been affected.

  The silence was bliss and Judd relaxed, increasing the speed of the SUV. He wanted to make good time while he could. He attempted conversation a couple of times. Lanni’s one-word replies ended that. It didn’t take long for him to realize that it was far more pleasant to deal with Jenny’s whining than the stony silence that hung between him and Lanni.

  Determined to ignore her unreasonable, foul mood, he concentrated on driving, but his attention was drawn again and again to Lanni and the wounded look in her eyes. When he couldn’t take it any longer, he asked, “All right, something’s bothering you. What is it?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Come on, Lanni, don’t give me that.”

  She crossed her arms and stiffened. Her eyes narrowed slightly. It was a look Judd recognized well.

  “I’d think you’d know.”

  Judd felt the internal pressure mount. It had always been
like this. She’d be hurt and unhappy about something, but far be it from her to bring anything into the open. Oh no. He was supposed to pry it out of her a word at a time and be grateful when she saw fit to inform him of the grievous crime he’d committed. In two years, nothing had changed.

  “Obviously I don’t know, so maybe you should tell me.”

  Lanni glanced over her shoulder at her sleeping daughter. Jenny was stirring restlessly, and Lanni wanted to avoid waking her. “Not now.”

  “When?” he demanded.

  “When I’m good and ready,” she told him between clenched teeth.

  “You’re angry because I left you last night,” he said, his patience gone. “That’s it, isn’t it? You always had to know where I was and how long I’d be, as if you staked a claim to my soul. I’d thought you’d matured, but I was wrong.”

  “I could care less about where you go or how long you want to stay,” she hissed. “The only thing I’m concerned about is who you were with.”

  “When?”

  “Last night,” she told him, despising him for this charade.

  “I wasn’t with anyone.”

  Lanni snickered, crossed her arms, and glared out the side window.

  “While we’re on the subject of who I was with—what did you do last night? Pine away for Steve?”

  “At least he’s kind and sincere.”

  “Sure he is,” Judd countered angrily. “You can lead him around by the nose. If that’s the kind of man you want, he’ll suit you fine.”

  “I prefer any man who isn’t like you.”

  Judd’s jaw knotted at her tight-lipped response. Fine. If that was the way she wanted it. He’d done what he could. She’d tell him what was really troubling her once she’d punished him enough. From experience, Judd realized it was bound to come in the form of tears or an angry tirade. And then, only then, would he discover what had caused this most recent bout of angry silence. The pattern was well set, and the separation had done nothing to change it.

  Jenny slept for two hours and they stopped for something to eat when she woke. He noted that Lanni did little more than nibble at her meal. For that matter, he didn’t have much of an appetite, either.

  Following their break, they traveled another two hundred miles to Bozeman, Montana, before Judd called it quits for the day. They hadn’t gotten as far as he’d hoped, but driving farther was intolerable. Jenny was fussy and unhappy; Lanni, cool and taciturn.

  When Judd announced that they’d traveled enough for one day, Lanni heaved an inward sigh of relief. With every mile it became more and more impossible to hide her pain and her pride.

  Time and again she recalled the look Judd had given her when he learned she’d been dating Steve. The nerve of the man was astonishing. But it hurt too much to think about it now. Tomorrow would be better. She’d have had the opportunity to speak to him without the worry of Jenny listening in on the conversation.

  The motel they checked into in Bozeman was neat and clean, and that was all Lanni required. A rodeo was in town and people crowded the streets. Jenny didn’t eat much dinner and fell asleep watching television. Lanni gently kissed her daughter’s brow and tucked the covers around her. Silently she readied for bed, determined to try to talk to Judd. But when she returned, he’d stepped out of the room. Instead of waiting up for him, she slipped into bed beside Jenny. For a long time after the light was out, Lanni lay awake. Her bed was only a few feet from Judd’s, but seldom had they been separated by a greater distance. Judd had been closer to her while working in the Middle East. Infinitely closer in Alaska. For a time, far too brief, nothing had been able to come between them. The agony of the realization burned through Lanni. The pain of their failed marriage ached like a throbbing bruise.

  Close to midnight, Lanni slipped into a light slumber. Before she fell asleep, she promised herself that she’d make a point of talking to Judd in the morning.

  Lanni didn’t know what time it was when Jenny woke crying.

  “Mommy, I don’t feel good.” She groaned, sitting up in bed. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

  Waking from a drugged sleep, Lanni heard Jenny, but the words didn’t penetrate the cloud of fatigue until it was too late.

  Throwing back the sheets, Lanni reacted instinctively, reaching for the light. “Oh, baby,” she cooed, lifting her daughter into her arms and carrying her into the bathroom.

  “Is she all right? Should I get a doctor?” Concerned, Judd staggered into the bathroom after them.

  “I don’t feel very good.” Jenny groaned again as Lanni washed her face.

  Jenny’s head felt cool. At least she didn’t have a fever. “I think she’ll be fine now. It was only a bad tummy ache.”

  “Is there anything I can do?” Judd felt the overwhelming urge to help. This was his child who was ill. The feeling of helplessness that he’d experienced when he’d seen her fall in Seahurst Park returned.

  Lanni understood the plea in his voice. “Would you get her a fresh set of clothes?” she asked softly.

  “Sure. Anything.”

  He was gone only a few minutes. “I called the office. They’re sending someone over to clean the bed.” He handed Lanni a fresh pair of pajamas, then paced the area outside the bathroom until a light knock sounded against their door.

  Several minutes passed before Jenny’s stomach was settled enough to leave the bathroom. For a time, Lanni held her in her lap, rocking gently to and fro while she tenderly smoothed the curls from the little girl’s brow. When she returned to the room, Judd glanced up.

  “How is she?”

  Lanni mouthed the word asleep. The bed on which they’d been sleeping was stripped bare of the sheets.

  “The lady from the office said it was best to air the mattress.”

  Lanni nodded, understanding the reasoning.

  “They brought in a cot for Jenny.”

  Gently Lanni placed the sleeping child onto the thin mattress. Lovingly, she spread the blanket over her shoulders. It wasn’t until she’d straightened that she realized there was only one suitable bed in the room: Judd’s.

  Judd read the aggravation in her eyes.

  “I didn’t plan this.”

  “I’m not going to sleep with you.” Hell would freeze over before she shared a bed with Judd Matthiessen ever again.

  “What do you suggest, then?”

  “I don’t know. But I’m not sleeping with you.”

  “Fine.” He pulled the bedspread from the top of the bed and headed toward the bathroom.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Where does it look like?” he whispered furiously.

  “Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t sleep in there.” The thought of Judd trying to sleep in the bathtub was ludicrous. If anyone slept there, it should be her. “I’ll move in there. I’m the one…”

  “This is crazy.” He dragged his hand over his face, struggling for control. “I’m not going to attack you, we’re married. Can’t you trust me enough to believe I wouldn’t do anything?”

  “But…”

  “Never mind. I’ll get another room.”

  “No.” Lanni swallowed her pride. With the rodeo in town, they’d been fortunate to obtain a room in this hotel. Judd was right She was overreacting. They were married, and if he said he wouldn’t touch her, then he wouldn’t. She believed him. “All right.”

  “All right what?”

  “We can sleep here.”

  “Thank you,” he muttered sarcastically. He tossed the bedspread on top of the double bed. He didn’t know what was troubling Lanni, but he couldn’t remember her ever being this unreasonable. She looked confused and unsure, not unlike young Jenny. Judd longed to reassure her, comfort her. But he knew she wasn’t in the mood for either.

  He waited until she was settled in bed
, ridiculously close to the edge, before reaching for the lamp and turning out the light. Confident there wasn’t any possibility of touching her, he slipped inside the sheets and lay on his back, staring at the moon shadows playing across the ceiling. After ten minutes, he forced his eyes closed, convinced the effort to sleep wouldn’t do any good.

  He couldn’t with Lanni like this. He’d never been able to deal with her when she was in a dark mood. Maybe if he knew what he’d done that was so terribly wrong, he could say something that would ease her doubts. He’d given up trying to understand her long ago.

  Lanni lay on her back as well, holding the sheet over her breasts. Pain tightened her chest, making breathing difficult. She took several shallow breaths and forced her body to relax. Falling asleep the first time had been difficult, but now, with Judd at her side, it was impossible. From his breathing patterns, Lanni knew he was awake as well.

  “Judd?” Her fingers gripped the sheet, twisting the material so tightly that they ached. “Why’d you do it?”

  “Do what?”

  “Why did you go to her last night?” Despite her effort to sound calm and collected, Lanni’s voice trembled, threatening to crack.

  “Her? Who the hell are you talking about?”

  “That woman.”

  “What woman?”

  “The one you were with last night.”

  “Last night?” He vaulted to a sitting position. “Are you crazy? I told you once I wasn’t with anyone!”

  Lanni’s eyes dropped closed as she struggled to maintain her composure. “Please, don’t lie to me. I know differently.” The pressure to give in to tears was so strong that it felt as if someone were sitting on top of Lanni’s chest.